"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's something stronger - something better, pushing right back." - Albert Camus
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I love watching the seasons change. From watching the colors of autumn appear, to feeling winter creep in, to seeing flowers bloom in the spring, to experiencing the freedom that summer brings, seasonal change has been something that I've come to love more and more each time it approaches.
Fall has always been my favorite season-- gentle breezes, exquisite sunrises and sunsets, bonfires, s'mores, pumpkin spice everything, Thanksgiving, and so much more. However, this year, as fall crept in, so did another distant "friend" called seasonal depression. My emotions changed with the leaves. As each leaf fell from the trees around me, so did hopelessness, despair, discontentment, and dissatisfaction. For me, this year, fall signaled the official end of one of the most transformative seasons of my life. God did such a mighty work in me this summer, in the preparation for it, and in the days after returning home, and I know that His goodness, faithfulness, and provision did not end with the summer. Yet, as the leaves begin to change, I felt a gradual, yet somewhat abrupt, creeping in of these old familiar emotions. Satan is sneaky, and, little by little, He began to plant seeds of doubt and call me out on all of the ways that I had fallen short of the things the Lord called me to this summer. This caused me to spiral further down into a pit of stress, anxiety, and, honestly, just one big old funk. This was compounded by overwhelming demands at work, the death of my sweet Papaw, and internal wrestling with major life decisions. I became very good at quoting, "It's fine. I'm fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE." and "naturally" faking a smile.
A few weeks ago, in the midst of this spiral, I met a new/old friend. His name is Habakkuk (cool name, right?). We met in an off-beat, rather random way. I attended a women's event where the speaker challenged us to fight back against life's battles with joy, and, in part of her talk, she quoted a few verses from Habakkuk. As I read these verses along with her, they leapt off of the page.
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
(Habakkuk 3:17-19)
Before reading the verses, she gave a quick synopsis of the situation Habakkuk was in leading up to this declaration. Habakkuk was not in a season of roses and daisies. He was facing many troubles, and, after crying out to the Lord with questions, waiting, and eventually receiving answers, Habakkuk resolves that, no matter what comes, he will rejoice and be joyful in the Lord. After leaving the event that day, I dug deeper into Habakkuk's story. The Lord also led me to a sermon series that Louie Giglio was preaching on Habakkuk that same week. In the following weeks, on this adventure with my new friend Habakkuk, God, in His infinite goodness, showed me what it looked like to have a faith that remained unshaken in the trials and in the valleys. He showed me that, not only was it possible, but that it was a calling to rejoice especially in the darkest nights.
Last Sunday, something shifted. As we sang songs of praise and thanks, from the very beginning of the service, something within me began to shift. As I took my eyes off of the circumstances and the whirlwind around me, and I focused them on Christ, the holes in the darkness began to morph into cracks, and as I lifted my hands in surrender and abandon, the walls of darkness clouding my vision and blocking my joy began to crumble down. During the sermon, the Lord revealed the tactic that I was missing most in my life that could be used to poke holes in the darkness and crash down the walls of despair and doubt-- GRATITUDE. Through the tears and the pain, as I chose to give thanks in all circumstances, the Lord shifted my vision upwards. Thanksgiving is a choice. And, through the trials, through the uncertainty, through the heartache, I am choosing gratitude. God has been so very good to me. Looking back at this year alone, He has worked miracles that I never could have even imagined, and, through that, He has transformed my life and my heart forever.
So, today, and everyday, Lord, I am grateful-- for Jesus, for the blessings, for the trials, for restoration, for the miracles, for the experience, for the summer, for my family, for my friends, and for all that You have done.
And, in this season, and in seasons to come, to God be the glory.
For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plan, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace...
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 8, 11a
