2015.

Grace.

If I had to sum up 2015 in just one word, it would be.... grace.

This morning, as I sang the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs surrounded by a church congregation that I've come to love dearly... "Doesn't matter what I feel...doesn't matter what I see... my hope will always be in your promises to me,"... God spoke through the lyrics of the song and I was wrecked by His unwavering faithfulness and grace.

As the year comes to a close, like so many have before, I have been taking the time to reflect on the year from beginning to end and all that it has entailed.  If I had to pick just one year of my life to tell someone about, it would without question be 2015.  I would not want to tell this story for self-pity, or self-righteousness (there's no such thing - Romans 3:10), or out of pride.  I want to tell this story to show what my God has done for His glory and His alone...

You see, a very little known fact is that on January 1, 2015, I was in the deepest, darkest depression that I've ever been in... I was totally and completely alone.  I had no one that I felt like I could call.  No one that I felt truly cared or loved me unconditionally.  (I now know that that's not true, but at the time, even if you'd told me you cared it wouldn't have gotten into my heart or even my head.  I wouldn't have listened.  I might have smiled.  I might have even responded with an "I know" or a warm hug.  But the darkness, the loneliness, the emptiness was there.  Constantly.)  Oh, but that's far from the point of this story, that's only the beginning.

This year, God has taught me so many valuable life-changing truths that I want to share:

1)  His grace is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

When I was at my wits end, when I finally came to the realization that I couldn't do this thing called life on my own was when I saw that Christ had been pursuing me all along.  His grace was sufficient. His power was made perfect in my weakness.  I didn't pray a magic prayer.  I honestly didn't even walk an aisle, but at my seat, where I was, which just happened to be in a sanctuary, I accepted Christ's invitation to die to myself and surrender complete control of my life over to Him, and I've never been the same since.  And the best part is that absolutely nothing that I did or have done would have ever been enough.  It's only by His blood, by His sacrifice, by His ransom, that I have been set free.

2)  Christ is enough. (Philippians 3:7-10)

Oh how I love my worldly treasures.  Oh how I love my worldly people.  Oh how I love, I love, I love, all of these things... but compared to Christ these things are counted as loss, even the most important people in my life.  If tomorrow, everything was stripped away, Christ is and would be enough, and, oh how I pray that that truth is so deeply-rooted in my heart that if/when that happens, I am confident and secure in Christ alone.

3)  Romans 8:28.

ALL things work together.  On January 1st, if you'd ask me what I foresaw happening in 2015, very little of what I would have described could have been characterized as "good."  Honestly, I probably just would've started crying on you and run away screaming (Okay, maybe not screaming, but sobbing for sure).  I didn't understand how anything so devastating, so deteriorating, so ugly, could be turned for good.  I had no idea.  In January, the god (lower-case-g god) that I "knew" (or had created) didn't have a plan.  he (lower-case intentional) couldn't possibly work anything for good; he wasn't even near enough to see me or hear me crying out in the pit.  It wasn't until February when I began to listen that I came face-to-face with the God (big G) of the universe, my creator, that I realized that He had the power to work all things for good if I just trusted Him.  It was at that point that He spoke over me that I didn't have to see the good.  I didn't have to know what was coming.  I just had to trust that His plans are greater, His thoughts are higher, and His ways are perfect (Proverbs 16:9, Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 18:30).  I let go.  And, let me tell you what I found... grace, grace, God's grace.

This year has been far from perfect.  There have been bumps.  There have been bruises.  There have been points that were truly my breaking point, but the most beautiful part of all of it is that when I reached my breaking point was exactly when it became the most apparent to me that I couldn't do this life thing on my own.  I was never created to do life alone.  I was created for an intimate relationship with my Creator, and it is only by Him and through Him that I live.  

So 2015, you've brought change... huge, drastic, change...

- spiritual change (Jesus rescued me.  Freedom.)

- physical change (God led me away from the town I was born/raised/spent 25 years of my life in to my new home, new friends, a new job, and a beautiful new church family.  Freedom.)

- personal change (Due to primarily the spiritual change, but also in part to the physical change, I found me.  I found who I am in Christ, a formerly hopeless sinner loved and redeemed by an unrelenting, good, good Father.  And when you live life from that perspective, your life can't help but be radically changed and transformed.  You no longer worry about the mundane day-to-day troubles of this world.  You see the world through a completely different lens.  Self is no longer the focus, but rather the focus is to glorify Christ in everything that you do.  Freedom.)

As I compare January 1, 2015, to December 27, 2015, (Almost January 1, 2016) I am brought to my knees and overwhelmed by His goodness, His mercy, and His faithfulness.

And 2016... Here's to the best one yet!

For His glory alone,

KG

  

Where Are You, Christmas?

I loved Christmas.  Yes, I said loved (past tense), not love (present tense).  Let me explain...

So, growing up, Christmas was always my favorite.  I loved the excitement and the energy of opening presents.  I loved Santa.  I loved the anticipation.  I loved how everyone, no matter how they were the day before and how they were the day after, was happy on Christmas.  As a child, Christmas was my jam.  I also loved it because it was "Jesus's birthday" as I so often rattled off.  I knew that Christ came as a baby and was born in a manger.  I knew all about Gabriel and Joseph and the wise men and no room at the inn.  I knew it all--as a story.  I knew that that baby grew into a man that died on the cross for my sins.  I knew it.  And I "celebrated" Christmas every year as Jesus's birthday.

That is, until this year....Just keep reading...

This year, I found myself in a funk.  No Christmas spirit.  No "singing loud for all to hear." No rush to watch Elf, or The Santa Clause, or Miracle on 34th Street, or any of my other favorites.  No Christmas music from November 1st to December 31st.  None of that.  I was in a fog.  There was no anticipation, no excitement, no joy for Christmas.  There was stress.  Stress of how I would manage to buy everyone presents when I can barely stay afloat financially without the extra spending that Christmas entails.  The stress of finals looming near.  The stress of keeping my classroom afloat with the ever increasing Christmas fever.  Stress.  Crippling stress that characterized my every move... until this week.

This week, God began slowly speaking one word over me.... focus.  From the music my Spotify played, to the scriptures I read, to posts on Facebook, to the message from the minister that visited Fellowship of Christian Students, to conversations with family, to the word spoken in Pinelake Kids this morning, to the worship this morning, to the Pinelake sermon, to the Christ Community sermon, to conversations with friends, to tonight's worship service.... Focus, Kayla, focus.  Just look at me.  Keep your eyes fixed on me.  I'm the author and perfecter of your faith (Heb. 12:2).  Focus.  Quite honestly, throughout the week, I wrestled with that.  I thought of the many things that might be distracting me.  I pushed away things.  I pushed away people.  I put things off.  I left things undone.  But still my focus wasn't there.  I still could not focus.  I felt like I was missing something.  Why was my "Christmas spirit" still not there?  Was it because I drank from the red cup at Starbucks? (jk, jk). :)  What happened?

I didn't understand... until today.  First, the day started with Pinelake Kids.  Quite honestly, this morning, I felt like a child.  As Hannah, the children's minister, explained in a way that a child could understand that Christ humbled Himself, came down from His Heavenly throne, as a baby to be born in what would today be called a barn surrounded by "germs" as the kids pointed out this morning, it was like I was hearing it for the very first time.  You see, I'd heard all of this before.  I'd heard "Away in a Manger" over and over at Christmas time.  I'd heard the Christmas story.  I knew it was Jesus's birthday, but I didn't know Jesus then.  I didn't know this king that came as a babe.  I was simply regurgitating the information that was poured into me by Sunday School teacher after Sunday School teacher each year as December 1st rolled around.  Born in a manger, wise men, followed a star, mom was Mary, etc.  But to think about the fact that Christ didn't just come as a man to walk this Earth... Even more humbly, He came as a baby.... born in a stable... as a part of God's sovereign salvation plan.  That's something to get excited about.  That's something to celebrate.  That's far greater of a gift than anyone could ever give or receive on Christmas day. 

Tonight, we had Kingdom Come:  Christmas Night of Worship at my church.  It was just that--a Christmas night of worship.  We gathered to sing praises to the King and to celebrate the birth of our Savior.  So many songs that I'd mindlessly sang for so long, year after year, suddenly took on new meanings for me.  These are songs of worship.  When we sing, "Oh, come, all ye faithful..." are we adoring Him?  Are we being faithful?  When we sing, "Be near me, Lord Jesus.." in Away In a Manger, do we mean it?  Oh how I pray that we do.

You see, when I say the word Christmas, the culture that we live in immediately sees Santa, and mistletoe, and Christmas trees, and presents, and lights, and shopping, and cookies, and everything but Jesus.  So, I loved Christmas.  I loved the excitement, the anticipation of the man in the red suit coming down the chimney with all of my shiny, new toys.

Now, I love Jesus.  I love Christ.  I love my King who humbled Himself and loved us so much that He came into this world as a baby in a lowly manger, surrounded by germs, lived a perfect life, died on the cross to pay a debt that I could have never repaid, rose again, ascended into Heaven, and is coming back one day!  I love Christmas because it set God's beautiful plan of redemption into motion, when Christ came into this world ever so quietly and beautifully in a lowly manger behind an inn and changed this world forever.

So, this Christmas, I challenge you.  Don't just say, "Remember the reason for the season" mindlessly-- truly remember the reason for the season.  Don't get so wrapped up celebrating Christmas and all that that has come to entail, that you miss out on celebrating Jesus, who was born to save the world.

Power in His Presence

When we encounter Jesus, we will never be the same.

This has been a resounding theme God has been speaking into my life lately.  Through the sermon series on the Holy Spirit at Pinelake, to conversations with sweet friends, to the core group meeting, to the extraordinary E-Women's Conference this weekend.

Wednesday, God began working in my heart an overwhelming desire to seek His presence and His face above all else-- seeking His face and not only His hand.  Spirit fall.  That has been my plea.  And, oh boy, has He answered that prayer.

This weekend, I attended the E-Women Conference in Southaven-- an event that I've looked forward to for months and months since I bought my ticket way back when.  I had my own expectations for this event. I was excited to worship Jesus and spend time with the sweet ladies of CCC.  Little did I know, Christ began preparing me for the word He had for me at this conference long before this weekend.  On Friday, I prayed for His presence.... Spirit fall.... and it did.  He did.  He freed me from the stress and anxieties weighing on me and allowed me to worship Him with all of my heart, like never before.

This morning, I prayed for His presence... Spirit fall... and it did.  He did.  All.  Day.  Long.

The morning started off with Kasey Van Norman sharing a devotional, and right away, she said something that completely shook me.

"If God were to truly reveal how messy we really are and how magnificent He really is... it would wreck us!"

This became my prayer.  Reveal it, Jesus.   Spirit fall... and it did.  He did.

She went on in the devotional and later in her talk to explain the depth of the difference between Jesus as a concept and Jesus as a reality.  To define the difference of the two situations, she unpacked Luke 15 and the three parables found here.  God reinforced the desire He planted in my heart for His presence as a reality and not just a concept.  We serve a living Savior that intercedes for us at the right hand of the Father (Romans 8:34).  Because He lives, He is not a far away conceptual God that we just talk about, rather He is our living Lord, a reality, that has grace upon grace for us that tore the veil in His infinite, unbridled, unrelenting grace so that we could be His children and spend eternity praising His name.

When Kasey returned for her talk after lunch, she unpacked Isaiah 6:1-8.  Isaiah said "Woe to me!" then "Send me!"  He was confronted with the weight of his sin, and the infinite power and grace of God simultaneously.  As the seraphim touched his lips with the coal, He experienced the unmerited, unbridled grace of God.

"Unbridled grace comes after us when we have nothing to offer in return."

Oh the beauty of His grace.

Kasey shared her story of growing up in church and doing and saying all of the right things (sound familiar?).  You can watch her entire story here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caW0UXI4Eeo
Such a beautiful story of unmerited grace.

"For from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace." - John 1:16

Now that we have experienced this beautiful grace, it's up to us to share this amazing grace with all of those we come into contact with.  I'm done with comfortable closet Christianity.  I'm done with being a Christian because it's what everyone in the Bible belt does.  I'm done with hiding behind a keyboard or social media.  My Jesus has changed me, and I'll never be the same.  I'll never stop singing His praises.  All to Him I owe.

The final speaker of the conference, Lisa Harper, spoke on how we should be carriers of His grace and not just consumers of His grace.  Such a powerful difference there.  She spoke on Acts 17:1-9.  Verse 6 totally changed my perspective.

"And when they could not find them, they dragged Jason and some of the brothers before the city authorities, shouting, "These men who have turned the world upside down have come here also" - Acts 17:6

May I be so radically passionate about sharing the grace of Christ and the Gospel that I am accused of turning the world upside down for His glory and His alone!  That is now the earnest, heartfelt cry of my heart.

Spirit Fall.

Covered in His unbridled, unmerited, unwavering grace,
KG

Spirit of the Living God
Spirit of the Living God
We only want to hear Your voice.
We're hanging on every word.

From the broken to the broken..

So, I recently read a wonderful blog post challenging Christians to "Limp out loud" to share their struggles even in the church (gasp!) so that we could bear each other's burdens and lift each other up. Well, God has put this post on my heart for a while now, but I was afraid to put it out there. Divorce is an ugly subject. No one likes to talk about it. Especially not in a church. Everyone wants to pretend that it doesn't happen.  So often we go to church on Sunday's and we wear our masks of contentment, "joy", and happiness. And these masks might even be worn all day on Sunday, but when Monday morning hits, we are faced with the struggles all over again. So, God challenged me to take off the mask and limp out loud. And He did it in a way that I didn't expect. I felt called to share my testimony of the past year and all that God has taught me with a friend going through a divorce, so I did. As I was typing however, God spoke over me that He was not just calling me to a secret chat message but rather to share it on a broader scale for those who might be suffering in the silence.

So, here you go, from one broken vessel to another:

First, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I know firsthand that when time has passed and the people around you seem to forget about it is when it starts to hurt the most. Divorce is devastating. It is the single most heart-breaking thing that I've ever experienced. Your life is ripped out from under you and you're left to pick up the pieces. I know that you know this, but let me tell you some things that you may not know or that you might need to be reminded of. 

1) God is still sovereign. 

I struggled with the pain and the asking why. I didn't understand how something as ugly as divorce could have been part of God's plan. Until now. I don't think God caused it to happen. My selfishness did that. But I do think that God allowed it to happen because it totally changed me. It kicked me into a downward spiral to where I was left with only Jesus. It took all of that for me to finally understand the next point. 

2) Christ is enough. 

Christ is, always was, and always has been enough. When I was left with absolutely nothing else and I was wallowing in the pit, Christ was still extending His hand to me to pull me from the pit. He is enough for every second of every day. You could lose everything this world has to offer, and Christ would still be more than enough. 

3)  You are NOT defined by the divorce. 

After my divorce, I felt like I was marked. I felt like I was damaged goods that no one would want or want to associate with. I didn't think I belonged anywhere. I felt like my reputation was shattered. How could I teach students as a divorcee?  How could I step foot in a church again--especially a southern Baptist church?  I felt as if everyone around me, even strangers were judging me. They knew. They could see it. With every question, every whisper, every soft pat on the back, I felt more and more defined by what happened. It wasn't until I truly surrendered my life, and Christ changed my heart that I began to feel relief. No, it didn't go away all at once. I still struggled with it day in and day out. I prayed over it. Constantly. And one day in His steadfast love God whispered over me that the divorce, just like every other sin I have ever made and will ever make was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. It was and is covered in the blood. When God looks at me when I enter Heaven's gates, He will not see Kayla the divorced.  He will see me as His child through the blood of Jesus Christ. I did absolutely nothing to earn my salvation. Christ is the atoning sacrifice. Therefore, his blood has atoned, even for some this as devastating as divorce. 

4)  Happiness is possible. 

Right now, you feel the weight of the world. And you feel as if you'll never be happy again. You feel like nothing you could ever find would make you happy. But let me go back to point 2. You can find happiness and contentment in Christ alone. One of the biggest things that God has taught me through the past year is that I cannot base my happiness on worldly things or people. They will always disappoint. These worldly things shall pass away, but Christ is eternal. It wasn't until I was completely alone and I became completely content in Christ alone that He began to answer the prayers for friendships that I had prayed for for so long. 

Cry out to Jesus. 

I am no expert. I am no counselor. I am simply a formerly totally depraved sinner, bought with the price of Christ's sacrifice, and trying my best to live a life that is honoring to Him alone. 

These are just words on a page. Seek Him first. Always. 

-KG

My Testimony

Let me start by saying, this is probably one of the scariest things that I've ever done.  To openly admit something like this in such a public way is super scary, but I feel that God is calling me to do it, and that someone needs to know that they are not alone.  So here goes... As part of my membership class for Pinelake Oxford, we were asked to share our testimony through e-mail.  As I was typing, the joy inside of me grew deeper and deeper, and I could not stop smiling as I looked back on God's faithfulness.  Before you read this:  
1)  I know it's long.  (If you want the abbreviated version, I'm sorry, there's not one.  Every single detail in this testimony has shaped exactly who I am.)  
2)  Please don't blame me for being such a hypocrite in my teenage years.  I definitely was.  I was lost.  I had no idea of the war that was waging inside of me.  I just felt empty.  

Thanks... now you may read...

     My walk with God started when I was 5 years old at a Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames presentation at a church in Grenada.  I remember watching the scary devil character, and then the preacher pretty much said (in my five year old mind) that if you didn't want to go where the scary devil was then you needed to come down front and pray with the pastor.  So, I grabbed my mom's hand and told her that I wanted to go.  So, she took me, and I prayed the sinner's prayer.  I was baptized shortly after that.  I was saved, or so I thought.  Then, when I was 12, I was at a revival sitting near the front when the revival preacher said, "You may have been saved when you were 5, but if you didn't mean it and you died today, you could go to hell."  This scared me to death, so I rose up and walked to the front at the invitation.  NOW, I was really saved, or so I thought.  So I went through my teenage years in a youth group with my best friend where I went through the motions.  I worshipped, I read my Bible, I prayed.  I did everything that a good Christian girl should do, but I always felt like something was missing.  I tried to fill that emptiness with a boy.  When I was 14, I entered into a relationship with a boy from my youth group.  Life was great.  I thought I had filled the void that I felt finally.  Then, as I began to still feel the void, I blamed it on family circumstances.  That's why I felt empty and unloved.  It was all because of my family.  So, I clung even tighter to my new boyfriend.  
     We grew closer, and I fell in love.  I was a wide-eyed, then 15-year old that believed every word that came out of her smooth-talking boyfriend's mouth.  I listened and followed, and I ended up giving my purity away to him, just searching for love.  The next Wednesday night at youth group, I was devastated and overwhelmed by guilt, and I ended up spilling my guts to the youth minister's wife.  Because I was ashamed of what I had done and especially now that someone knew about it, we left the church.  In the process of leaving the church, I strained my relationship and ultimately lost my relationship with my best friend.  So, then, there I was, left with nothing and no one but the smooth-talking teenager, so I clung even tighter.  We joined a different church, but we were quickly thrown out of the youth group scene and into the adult scene, and it was so tough to adjust.  So, I played the part.  I was the "good Christian girl" still trying to fill that void.  On the outside the smile was shining bright, but on the inside I was a broken wreck.  
     In 2009, I married that smooth-talking boy in an overtly religious wedding.  We wanted our wedding to emphasize that Christ was the center of our marriage.  We truly thought He was or would be.  Honestly, I think we both wanted that to be true, but we had become so jaded by "playing the part" that neither of us realized that it was all a facade.  Then, the hard truth of what it takes to sustain a marriage hit.  We fought hard for five years.  During those 5 years, the void, the emptiness inside only seemed to grow.  I tried to fight it off, I tried to fill it, but it would not go away.  I tried to fill it with everything except for turning to God.  I prayed, but I felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling and bouncing back.  I felt disconnected, but that couldn't be true.  I was saved when I was 12.  I prayed the prayer.  In June 2014, my world fell apart.  We got a divorce.  (I never thought I would type that word, much less say it, or sign a piece of paper that had it at the top.)  I was devastated.  The emptiness inside turned from a finger size hole to a huge vortex of a black hole. I had no idea how to carry on.  I cried out to God.  Again, I felt like my prayers hit the ceiling and bounced back.  The void grew.  I continued in this downward spiral.  I tried to run back to my ex-husband.  I tried to "make things right" thinking that that was why the void was growing.  Things did not work out, and I was left broken and devastated once again.  
     In February 2015, I was invited to attend a women's conference at Emmanuel Baptist Church in Grenada, MS, (ironically enough, the same place where I was baptized at 5 and 12).  I was still searching, still broken, still trying to fill the void.  So, I decided to attend the conference.  As Alicia Williamson Garcia spoke, I felt God move in me for the first time in a long time.  I felt the walls inside me crumbling.  This was Friday night.  The next day the conference continued, and as we worshipped through song, I felt God's presence like never before.  Alicia sang a song called Healing in which the chorus says, "Healing comes from knowing who I am."  This broke my heart into--the walls crumbled.  I then realized that I had no clue who God was.  I simply saw him as the big man in the sky talked about in my Sunday School classes from birth.  So, I listened, and I learned who God was, and, on February 28, 2015, I surrendered my life to Christ, once and for all.  On that day, I viewed it as a re-dedication of my life to Christ.  My life was radically changed.  The sky was brighter.  Everything smelled sweeter.  I walked back into my classroom, and the things that used to make me so angry before no longer did.  I had a peace like never before--even my students noticed and commented on it.  I was so excited, and I wanted to tell everyone I knew about the peace that could only be found in Jesus Christ.  I still feel that peace each and every day.
     Until yesterday (Sept. 12), I credited my experience when I was 12 as my salvation experience.  Yesterday, upon recommendation of a friend, I watched a sermon entitled "The Ten Indictments Against the Modern Church," and Paul Washer warns against the dangers of the sinner's prayer and how we can so easily pray a prayer that means nothing internally and believe that we are saved, when, if we are honest, there was absolutely no life change.  I had always written the lack of life change off due to the fact that I was 12.  At 12, what do you really have to drastically change?  But God worked in me yesterday and revealed to me that February was my life change.  February was the day that I was radically changed--the day I became a new creation in Christ and I surrendered my life--my entire life to Him.  Since that day in February, God has been working in my life in such amazing ways.  He has led me to Oxford in ways that only He could have.  He has led me to an amazing church family running hard after His glory and His alone.  In my life, I have had so many ups and so many downs, but the one thing that I have learned that is constant is that God is, was, and will always be in control through all of it. His ways are higher than my ways; His thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

I will be baptized next Sunday to publicly celebrate the fact that I am now a new creation in Christ, and I could not be more excited!

-KG

And She Lived Happily Ever After...

Tonight I found myself driving in the wrong direction for about 25 miles without even realizing it.  Yes, this really happened.  I never thought that God would use something as simple as driving in the wrong direction, but He did... Boy, did he....

This time last year, I was driving my car in the wrong direction.  I had Jesus in the passenger seat, but I had the wheel gripped tight, and the gas pedal pushed to the ground.  I trusted Him to "guide" me from the passenger seat as long as I got to keep both hands on the wheel.  I treated Him like a GPS.  I would listen to His voice as long as I agreed with it, but if I felt like He was about to take me down a back road where the road might be a little bumpy, I'd swerve back onto the main road until I felt Him saying "re-routing."  

God even allowed Satan to grab the wheel that I was gripping so tight and throw my "car" (life) into a tailspin with the complete and total heartbreak that last summer brought about, but white-knuckled I held on.  I pulled out of the ditch, and back onto the road.  I still would not let go of the wheel.  

At my deepest darkest point, I asked Jesus to move to the back seat, and I replaced Him with a different passenger.  I listened to the words of this passenger, the same one that Satan used in the tailspin, and I continually pushed Jesus away for being a "back seat driver."  

Until God grabbed me in February and brought me face-to-face with the reality that I was living, I was in control of my life.  When I was 12, I let Jesus into the passenger seat, but I never let Him drive until February.  In February, I attended a women's conference at Emmanuel led by Alicia Williamson Garcia.  She spoke about what it meant to truly live a Christ-centered life in this culture.  This rocked my world.  As she spoke, through the Holy Spirit, God put His hand on my shoulder, begging me to take my hands off the wheel.  On Friday night, I loosened my grip.  On Saturday, I broke free.  I raised my hands into the air (figuratively and literally) in full surrender.  Jesus moved into the driver's seat.  This is not to say that I haven't tried to be a passenger driver quite often, and, especially not to say that I haven't reached over and jerked the wheel a few times hoping to avoid some pot holes along the way, but what I've come to see is that what the enemy meant for harm at this point last year as my divorce was finalized, God has used to bring about healing of wounds that I didn't know that I had.  What the enemy meant for evil, God has used to mold me from a carnal woman to a spiritual woman.  What the enemy meant for evil, God has used to show me that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9).  He brought beauty from the ashes.  He showed me the true meaning of grace.

As crazy as this may seem, this wasn't the crazy part.  As I turned around to head back to Oxford after driving halfway to Tupelo (yes, I did...), it hit me like a flood.  When faced with a situation like this a few years ago, I would have been angry, frustrated, and upset.  Today... I was excited.  I was excited that I could open my sunroof, feel the fall air, and just cruise for a little bit longer.  Again, I probably sound like a crazy person when saying this, but this realization is huge.  Today was a beautiful day, and I'm not just talking about the weather.  I'm talking about life.

I.  AM.  HAPPY.

I can't even begin to tell you how long it has been since those words came out of my mouth.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28 ESV

Fresh Perspective

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air.  (Well, actually not quite a prince, or in Bel-air... but I would like to tell you a little bit about the past year of my life.)

In June 2014, my life was seriously flipped-turned upside down.  Life as I knew it was shattered.  Dreams were broken.  Hopes were crushed.  The very sand that I had built my life on washed away with the tides, and I was left with a broken heart and tons of questions.  I was angry.  I was bitter.  I was at rock bottom.  I fought--hard.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I did everything in my power to try to make it right.  I did not understand how something so ugly, so heart-wrenching, so disastrous could be "part of a plan" or "happen for a reason."  Honestly, every time someone told me these things, I wanted to punch them in the throat.  Literally.  How can God, the Perfect One, have willed for me/us to get a divorce and to break the sacred vow of marriage?  How's that part of the plan?  Question after question flooded my mind.  I searched for answers in everyone I spoke to about it.  I searched for answers by trying to "undo" what had been done.  I was searching....looking everywhere but up.  I felt like someone at the bottom of a deep dark pit running in circles aimlessly trying to get out.

Little did I know, while I was running in circles doing everything in my will to make it right, God's hand was reaching down to pull me out of the pit.  All I had to do was to look up to see it, take hold of it, and just be held.  I decided to go back to church in January--still searching for answers.  God met me there, right where I needed to be.  Message after message, my heart broke.  I felt like God was speaking directly to me--calling me back home.  Since January, I have been on a journey.  A spiritual journey, an emotional journey, and a physical journey.  I attended a Women's Conference in February, and God spoke directly to my heart through Alicia Williamson-Garcia when she said, "We wonder why we don't hear from God....God speaks Bible."  This resonated volumes with me.  I heard that line over and over in my head.  God. Speaks.  Bible.  Not English, not Spanish, not German, or even Hebrew.  God speaks Bible.  How can I expect to hear from Him if I'm not diving into his living Word?  Again, a journey began, another twist in the road.

So, God began to place on my heart the strong motivation/urge/desire to move to Oxford.  I prayed long and hard about it only wanting to do His will.  Again, for answers?  God speaks Bible.  So, I prayed.  I studied.  I searched.  All the while, I strived to "get back to God."  It wasn't until very recently that I realized that all I had to do was look up to his out-stretched hand.  So, I finally looked up, and God welcomed me home with outstretched arms--his prodigal daughter.  So... back to the desire to move to Oxford.  I had a plan.  I was moving to Oxford to live with my sister and to work at one of two schools that I had in mind.  Everything seemed to be falling into place.  Without even putting my house "officially" on the market, I had an offer on it.  I attended a job fair in Oxford, and I left in tears--happy tears.  God was working it out according to my plan.  I went into an interview that I rocked out.  I knew that I had the job.  It was a lock.  I waited, and waited.  I heard some good news about the job.  I knew I had it.  I just knew it.  Then, the e-mail came.  I didn't get it.  Where did I go wrong?  Did I mis-read God's plans?  I must have.  I decided that it was "God's Will" for me to stay in Grenada.  I decided to stay put.  So, I was confident in my  God's plans for me--staying in Grenada, or so I thought.  I was okay with this... for about a week.  After a week, I began to sink again.  I felt myself slipping away into a pity party.  Poor, poor pitiful me.  I was going to be couch sleeping "homeless" for a month.  I didn't have an apartment.  My puppy was gone.  Life was not what I though it would be.  I was bitter.  I felt the bitterness start to creep in.  As it did, I also felt a tug at my heart--God speaks Bible.  So, as I searched and studied, I felt God speaking to me, over and over, "Fix your eyes."  "Focus."  It took reminder after reminder to wake me up.  Over and over again, at the start of each new day, I chose to fix my eyes on Christ.  I chose to rise up and seek Him through it all--in the good and the bad.  It was at the point of total surrender that it all became clear to me.  God knew what he was doing.  Everything truly does happen for a reason.  He is already there on the other side of this mountain looking at the entire journey from afar.

Fast-forward to last week... I settled down with the idea of staying in Grenada.  I was okay with the fact that this is what God had in store for me.  One day a few weeks ago, I checked my email where I found an e-mail thanking me for applying for a math position at a school that I would love to teach at.  I didn't apply for it; the system linked me up to it automatically.  I decided that it was worth a shot at least.  Last week, I completely forgot about the fact that I had applied for the job.  My phone rang on Tuesday, and it was the principal of this school calling to set up an interview.  I went for my interview last Wednesday, and I loved the school.  The demeanor, the people, the values--everything.  It was perfect.  Again, I continued to pray, not my will, Lord, but thine.  I received a call back after the interview that sounded promising, and I continued to pray--Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.  Today.... big big news....

This summer, I will be moving to Oxford, MS, and, this fall, I will begin teaching 7th grade math at Oxford Middle School.  I am beyond excited for this next chapter of my life.  I have no doubt that God has big plans for me.  He has provided, and He will continue to provide.  It was only when I stopped relying on my own will and my own abilities and truly began to trust and to look up that I found Him waiting patiently for me.  And, now, I have an answer to the prayers from June 2014.  Maybe, just maybe, it isn't that God plans or wills these things to happen in our lives, but, rather He allows them to happen through our own free will, and He uses them to shape us into His image and His likeness more and more everyday.  Praise God for his faithfulness--every.  single.  day.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
—Isaiah 55:8–9 NKJV 

Another Day

Today was one of those days.

I felt like Super Woman!  From the time I woke up this morning, I felt like I had the power to change the world.  I woke up on time.  I made it to school on time (even with 7:20 duty and time to spare!).  For those who don't know me well, the last one was a major feat!  I felt on top of the world!  I can't explain why I felt this way, but I was excited.  I felt like God had something big in store for the day.

So, I went to school as usual, made it to duty on time (Did I say that already? :) ), and we began our standardized testing for the day.  For those of you that have never had the pleasure (*note the sarcasm*) of walking around a classroom "actively monitoring" students in a completely silent classroom while they take a test that generally lasts anywhere from 75 to 90 minutes, let me tell you firsthand, it's definitely not the way I'd rather be spending my time.  So, today, as I was walking through the rows, I began to think about my students, individually and collectively, I thought about who they would become, what careers they would choose, where they would go to college, etc.  As I was thinking about all of these things and looking at the faces of my students, God called me to do something that I honestly cannot say that I've ever done before.  I prayed for them.  I don't mean collectively-- "God, be with my students."  I mean, individually, by name.  "God, please be with ______, guide her in Your ways..." Like that.  It continued as I prayer-walked through the room praying over all 26 of my homeroom students.  By the end of it, I had tears streaming down my face.  After spending 7 months with these "babies" and all 115 of my "babies", I have come to know personalities, dreams, fears, and family situations.  My heart aches and rejoices for these students, and it's not of my own doing.  One of the places where I see God working in my life is in my classroom.  (This could be because I pray for patience every second of every day. Haha)

I say all of this, and I am posting this blog to say that God knew what He was doing when He called me to be a teacher so very long ago.  I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a teacher, so I never really thought twice about what God's calling for my career would be.  What I have quickly realized is that God orchestrated it all from the very start.  I am simply answering the call and being a servant willing to do His work in my mission field.  Teaching these precious eighth graders for three years has been the most humbling experience that I've ever had in my life--second only to my salvation.  They will tell you the truth--that's for sure.  I pray that no matter where God leads me that I will continue to answer the call with a resounding, "Yes, Lord!"

Please continue to pray with me, for all of our students.  Some of these little ones are facing situations that even adults would be shattered by.  Some seem to lead perfectly happy lives, but no one knows what lies behind the curtain or what goes on each day when they leave the school.  It's a battle.  The war is waging for our students.  There is a spiritual war going on for the hearts of each of these students, and they are at their most vulnerable points.  They can either succumb to peer pressure and follow the crowd, or they can boldly stand up for Jesus.  My prayer is that they do the latter.  That was my prayer for each one of my little ones today.  While my job does not allow me to openly profess my faith and proclaim it to my students, I pray that I wouldn't have to.  We shouldn't have to wear a cross around our necks, hang a cross on a wall, wear a special t-shirt, or tote around our Bibles for the world to know that we are Christians.  They will know we are Christians by our love. (<-------That was all God speaking right there--read it again!) I pray that my students see that love exuding out of me every single day--a love that can only be from Christ.

At His Feet,

Kayla

It's Not About the Nails..

Imagine Jesus Christ hanging on the cross, suffering and dying for your sins. So often, when we think about the cross and even our salvation, we focus on the cross itself. We focus on the nails in His hands and feet. We focus on the physical suffering and the physical pain that Christ endured. This was the picture of my salvation. When I walked down the aisle at Emmanuel Baptist Church when I was 12, this was what I professed to believe as I gave my life to Christ-- that "Jesus died for my sins and rose from the dead three days later  so that I might have eternal life."  While every bit of this is true, I think we're missing the greatest part of the crucifixion of Christ--the most important part. 

A few weeks ago, I began reading Radical by David Platt. I felt a strong calling on my life to begin living and growing in my faith and my walk with the Lord. You see, I had been pulled astray from my walk with Christ by influences, situations, and the things of this world, but the most humbling and amazing thing to me was that through my wandering and doubt, He never left my side. So, I began reading Radical, and I couldn't put it down. One day, as I was reading, I read something that knocked me to my knees; something that I had never heard preached from a pulpit, that I had never heard from a Sunday School teacher, that I had never heard at a church camp or conference--it's not about the nails. I re read this passage multiple times to ensure that I understood it. I'll share it with you below:  

“What happened at the Cross was not primarily about nails being thrust into Jesus’ hands and feet but about the wrath due your sin and my sin being thrust upon his soul. In that holy moment, all the righteous wrath and justice of God due us came rushing down like a torrent on Christ himself. Some say, “God looked down and could not bear to see the suffering that the soldiers were inflicting on Jesus, so he turned away.” But this is not true. God turned away because he could not bear to see your sin and my sin on his Son.

One preacher described it as if you and I were standing a short hundred yards away from a dam of water ten thousand miles high and ten thousand miles wide. All of a sudden that dam was breached, and a torrential flood of water came crashing toward us. Right before it reached our feet, the ground in front of us opened up and swallowed it all. At the Cross, Christ drank the full cup of the wrath of God, and when he had downed the last drop, he turned the cup over and cried out, “It is finished."

This is the gospel. The just and loving Creator of the universe has looked upon hopelessly sinful people and sent his Son, God in the flesh, to bear his wrath against sin on the cross and to show his power over sin in the Resurrection so that all who trust in him will be reconciled to God forever.”

Excerpt From: Platt, David. “Radical.” Multnomah, 2010-05-04. iBooks. 

This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itun.es/us/iM_bz.l

Did you read that?!?! It's not about the nails, or the whips, or the Roman soldiers, or Pilate, or any of the various things we highlight in our Easter programs. The cross and the crucifixion is about Christ enduring the wrath of God for the sins of all mankind. So, think about it for a second--God's wrath-- the same wrath that flooded the Earth due to wickedness, the wrath that destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, the wrath that was built for centuries by every sin committed by every human being from Adam and Eve all the way until Christ's return. That wrath. This was the wrath Christ endured on the cross. This was why Christ was sweating blood in the garden. Can you imagine? We sing, "Every sin on Him was laid" but have you ever thought about what that means? He took on God's wrath for US. for you, for me, for every human being that wanders, has wandered, and will ever wander this Earth. That's amazing right there.  To me, that gives going to the throne for forgiveness a whole new meaning. You approach the throne through Jesus's blood knowing that your debt has been paid in full. Again, we sing, "Jesus paid it all" but until now, I had no idea of the true price that He paid. We see the picture of the cross. We see the anguish, the nails, the suffering. But do we ever stop to think about the wrath the immeasurable suffering of Christ on that cross as he felt the brunt of God's mighty wrath. 

I don't know about you, but this left me eager and longing to tell someone, anyone, the good news. I'd long known that Christ took my place, but I now see it through an entirely different lense. 

Praying for you guys always!

-K