Choosing to Trust

Obedience is not always easy, but it's always worth it.

Almost 18 months ago, the Lord began a journey in me, and, to be honest, at first, I wasn't really sure where this journey would lead.  From an orphan care follow-up meeting in 2015, to Matamoros, to the quiet whispers in the silence, time-after-time the Lord confirmed the road that He was calling me down.

During the Orphan Care Sunday service in November 2015, I prayerfully made a commitment to put my yes on the table-- wherever He calls, wherever He leads, I would go.  At the follow-up meeting immediately one specific trip jumped off the page.  However, the price tag of this trip overwhelmed me, so I tried my best to put it out of my mind.  Instead, I "settled" for an affordable trip to Matamoros in July 2016.  Little did I know that my "settling" is exactly what the Lord was using to prepare me step-by-step down the exact road that He was calling me to, and, despite my shortcomings, He's continued to prepare me each step of the way.

He has healed gaping wounds.  He has opened doors.  He has given me a love and a passion for teaching all students, and a new-found (since coming to Oxford) love and passion for teaching English Language Learners.  He has given me a passion for seeing His glory declared in all nations.    He has prepared my heart.

During the 2016 Orphan Care Sunday service (November 2016), the Lord clearly confirmed that He was calling me to teach in Honduras, but, at the time, I wasn't really sure what that meant or how that would play out.  Long story, short, over the next few weeks, as I prayed and processed through this calling, the Lord revealed the ministry He was calling me to work with, the children's home that He was calling me to, and the specific route that He had for me to take this summer.

On December 6, 2016, I applied for the program "just to see what would happen", and received a call for an interview less than 10 minutes after submitting a pre-application.  I went through an interview process, and, in January, things became official.

What began as a whim "I'd love to go... but..." is soon to become a reality.

This summer, I will be spending six weeks in Honduras serving at Rancho Ebenezer as an intern in their Summer Learning Fun Program!  Rancho Ebenezer is a children's home that provides a safe-haven for abused, neglected, and orphaned children in Honduras.  Although I have not been to the ranch, I have heard so many wonderful things about the work that the Lord is doing there, and I am ecstatic to be a small part of it this summer!

After accepting the call to spend my summer in Honduras, I wish that I could say that everything fell perfectly into place, and I never looked back.  However, in the spirit of being completely real and transparent, the past two months have been a roller coaster.  After my interviews, while I was in the waiting part of the process, the week before I left for Matamoros in December, my Papaw was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that is in both lungs, his brain, and his lymph nodes, and my step-dad, who has colon cancer, faced a very serious life-threatening surgery as well.  These circumstances forced me to come face-to-face with my fears and my anxieties.  I had to make a choice.  Will I choose to trust in spite of my feelings, or will I let my emotions, doubts, and fears dictate my willingness to obey?

This question kept me up at night, was always on my mind, and became the center of almost every conversation that I had.  I was stuck in the tension of grieving for my Papaw's diagnosis and celebrating the path the Lord was leading me towards.  Time and time again, week in and week out, I declared that my belief was louder than my doubt and that I believe that the Lord was and is still in control; however, as I received the next bit of bad news or dwelled on what the future might bring, doubt crept in again and my faith was found lacking... until yesterday.

Yesterday morning, the Lord spoke through Chip's message and confirmed what He had been whispering to my heart since Wednesday of last week.  The same God with the same power that raised Jesus Christ (and Lazarus) from the dead is still at work in you and I today.  God's chief concern is not my comfort in my circumstances.  His only two chief desires in our circumstances are His glory and the growing of our faith by which He is glorified.  It's all about His glory.  It's all for His glory-- even through the pain.  If my Papaw had not gotten sick, I can honestly say that my faith would not be nearly as strong as it is today.  I've prayed daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute for a miracle.  Whether that miracle comes on Earth or in Heaven, I know, without a doubt, that the Lord is sovereign, and He has not lost control for even a second.  God is alive, and His voice must be louder than my doubts, my fears, my disappointments, and my circumstances.  All of these points combined and culminated in a resolve that I will no longer life in the tension of doubt and faith.  I am choosing faith.  I am choosing to trust that no matter what comes my way before, during, or after this summer,  God is in control, and His ways are higher.

He is faithful, and He has not left for even a moment.

See ya this summer, Honduras!

(Fundraiser info (including t-shirts) coming SOON!  Stay tuned!)

Even When It Hurts

Life's not always rainbows and butterflies.

Truth is, sometimes the weight of the world is on you, and life hits you at full force.  From the demands of a full-time (literally full time job), to social expectations, to seasonal depression, to daily life stress, to family fears and worries... let's be honest, there's no nice way to put it-- sometimes life just sucks.

Lately has been my "sometimes"...  You know those times when people around you ask how you are, and your first instinct is to say, "I'm fine," but all that comes out is, "I'm okay" or "I'm surviving" --  That's life lately.

Although life has been a tad bit stressful lately, I have felt the nearness of the Lord like never before.  With each and every struggle, I've learned more and more about His character, His faithfulness, and His guidance.  When I have chosen to wallow in the valley, He has met me there.  He has pursued me, and day-by-day moment-by-moment He is drawing me out of the pit and seeing me through the storm.

Through this journey, the Lord has taught me and is still teaching me so many things.  I'm sharing a few of these learned lessons below for two reasons.  First, because I'm prone to wander and quick to forget, I am choosing to record these thoughts as a reminder of His faithfulness.  Also, I'm sharing these thoughts as a proclamation of His faithfulness for His glory, and in the hopes that someone reading this that might be walking through a valley or a storm of her own might connect with the One who calms the wind and the waves.

Here's what I'm learning lately:

1. It's okay to not be okay.
2. BUT it's not okay to stay there.
3. Sometimes admitting that you're not okay is the first step towards healing.
4. As your Creator, there's no one that can ever or will understand your thoughts, emotions, feelings, or fears better than God.
5. He speaks through His Word-- be willing and ready to listen.
6. As you listen and walk through the valley, be obedient-- regardless of how you feel in the moment.
7. Often the Lord uses the valleys to teach us more about Him, don't get so caught up in the hardship that you miss the lesson in front of you.
8. Don't isolate yourself. (Note:  If you're anything like me, this is hard.  Look at the community He has placed around you.  Be willing to reach out.  Let them love you.  Let them comfort you.  Let them speak truth into you, and be willing to listen.)
9. Trust.  He's not lost control even for a second.  His plans are better.  His ways are higher.  He calms the wind and waves; He's got this.
10. Even when it hurts, praise Him.  He is worthy.  You might not understand His ways or His thoughts-- praise Him anyway.  He is Lord; You are (and I am) not.

When you leave the valley or sit in the aftermath of the storm, don't for one second forget His faithfulness.  Remember it, record it, trust it, walk in it.  Let Him transform you.  Let Him mold you.  We serve such a good God.  To quote a childhood song, "He's got the whole world in His hands" -- that includes you, little one-- rest easy, He's got this.

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in your will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."  - Philippians 1:6

"For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin." - Romans 14:23

"But the Lord is faithful.  He will establish you and guard you against the evil one."
- 2 Thessalonians 3:3

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4

A Different Kind of Christmas

The big question... Are YOU ready for Christmas?

It's been asked for weeks, and over and over my answer was, "no way!!"  Until yesterday, I'd only bought one gift.  I have no Christmas tree.  I have been listening to Christmas music... sometimes.  And to be honest, the thought of Christmas approaching made me more than a little nauseous.

I was reminded time and time again of the joy of the season when Christ was born.  I was reminded of the hope that the Messiah lying in a manger brought.  I clung to that joy.  I clung to that hope.  As the darkness of seasonal depression creeped up on me like a thief in the night, one by one each speck of joy, each glimmer of hope was shadowed by fear and anxiety.  I tried to fight back with joy.  I fought back in prayer and the Word.  I sought counsel from close friends.  I journaled.  I did everything in my power to get out of the funk.

It wasn't until early last Sunday morning, when I got a call at 3 a.m.  telling me that my (ex)step-dad (my 2nd Daddy) was being rushed to Memphis by ambulance and was given a 50/50 chance to make it out of surgery alive, that I began to snap out of my rut.  Driving from Oxford to Batesville to meet my family in the wee hours of the morning gave me time to cry, pray, and just sit in silence.  I begged and pleaded with the Lord for supernatural healing, peace, understanding, and hope.  As we sat in the hospital waiting room longing for answers, hoping for good news, I watched Pinelake's live service.  As I listened to Mike Breaux bring the Word on the Light of Joy in this Christmas season and how joy extends far beyond our circumstances.  "Contentment is the not the achievement of all that we want.  It's the realization of what we already have."  That's the key to joy in all circumstances--a deep contentment rooted in gratitude for all that Father has given, with the most precious gift coming over 2000 years ago as a baby that came to reconcile us to the Father.  That's it.

So, I was on the road out of the funk.  I was joyful.  We witnessed a healing miracle as doctors were left speechless when Tim came out of the surgery-- no vent, no external support helping him survive.  He was sustained by the power of Almighty God.  In his own words, "I guess this means I made it out alive."  That he did.  And we stand amazed-- all glory to God-- our Christmas miracle.

This was a launch pad out of the pit of fear and anxiety that I had fallen into.  I was on the journey to joy.

Enter Tuesday (11:30 a.m. to be exact)--- My dad calls me during school hours, which never happens, so I answer it.  I hear his voice shaking on the other end of the line.  I'm not really sure what all he said because the room started spinning, but what I do remember is Papaw, looks bad, rushing to ER, ambulance, sheriff escort, stroke?, fall, can't talk...  I was in shock.  Wait, you mean my healthy Papaw?  The one who is never sick, wanders all over Pearidge, and is one of the most down-to-earth men I know?  WHAT?  The shock turned to sadness as I processed what I believed was happening.  One of my sweet students happened to notice and began to tell me about her journey of her grandfather having a stroke and his recovery and also of her journey in losing her dad only a year ago and walking through that tough time in her life.  Immediately, my worries seemed so small as I talked with this precious little one about the hard journey she had walked to this point.  As school ended and I watched the joy of Christmas break flood the faces of my littles as they ran down the hallway, the news began to sink in again... What happened?  Would he be okay?  About an hour later, my sister called me.  She could barely talk through the tears... it wasn't a stroke.. No, it was much worse... Doctors found 5-6 tumors on my Papaw's brain.  One of the tumors was pressing against his left side and causing stroke-like symptoms.  Back to Memphis we drove, trailing an ambulance yet again-- uncertain of what's to come.  We arrive in Memphis.  The doctors repeat all the tests and find that there are multiple tumors all across my Papaw's body.  We still do not have a definitive diagnosis-- but doctors are leaning towards lung cancer that has spread to his brain.  Devastation.  Fear.  Anxiety.  Sadness.  Anger.  Pain.  So many emotions.

Let me be the very first to say that this is not at all how I envisioned Christmas this year.  From celebrating from hospital rooms to the stillness and deafening silence of a Christmas afternoon that has been spent with family for years and years... this years Christmas will be a different one.  I know I'm not alone in this feeling or these emotions.

If you are facing a different kind of Christmas this year yourself, let me offer these few words of encouragement that I have clung to this past week:

1)  CHOOSE JOY!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Joy is a choice.  Like it or not, we do not choose our circumstances, but we can choose joy.  The Lord is sovereign, and He is good in all that He does.  We have to trust this.  No matter what life throws our way, each and every day, we must choose joy and choose contentment.  We must choose to live with an attitude of gratitude.  Regardless of our fickle and fleeting emotions, we trust that His ways are higher, and day by day, moment by moment, second by second, we have to choose JOY!

2)  FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12

We are in a war--a real, raging war.  Battle by battle we fight on.  Satan lies, schemes, and attacks in real time over and over again.  We can either choose to believe the lies of the enemy and live in defeat, or we can choose to rise up with the strength of Christ and fight the battle.  This we know... He has WON the victory!  He's fighting for us.  He has overcome.  Trust that.  Walk in victory.

3)  TRUST.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.  Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.  It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

Choosing joy and fighting the good fight are both rooted in trust.  HIs plans are higher, his ways are greater.  When the darkness has fallen and the outlook seems bleak, HE is the one with the last word.  Victory is HIS.  Trust that.  Call on Him, and He will answer.  Let Him wrap His loving arms around you through this season.

My hope is in the promise of Your blood,

My support within the raging flood,

Even in the tempest, I can sing

I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves

Holding fast to the promise of Your truth,

That You are holding tighter still to me.

This Christmas might be different in more way than I could have ever imagined, but this one thing remains.  Over 2000 years ago, a baby was born in a stable that changed the face of history.  Three hundred years of silence broken by the cry of a baby.  The promised Messiah had come.

JOY to the world!

Regardless of your circumstances, celebrate the King this Christmas!  He is worthy of every single broken hallelujah you can raise!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

One Nation

We recite these words every single morning in honor of a member of the military.  Friday, we said it in honor of my Grandaddy, Rex Bailey, who served in the Navy during World War II.  To be honest, most days, these words are mindlessly repeated by my classroom full of students (with respect of course with hands over hearts and standing at attention).  I'm not sure that the students have ever really thought about the words being spoken.  And, in the spirit of honesty, until a few weeks ago, I'm not sure that I have ever thought about the words I was saying.  A few weeks ago, as I was thinking about the "big" election and just life in America, the Lord spoke to me as I was saying the Pledge.  "Listen to the last 11 words.  Think about what you are saying."  I listened as I spoke these words.  One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

(Disclaimer:  I have the utmost respect for our pledge, our flag, our anthem, our country, and our soldiers, and none of the following comments are meant to reflect any disrespect towards these things.  They are merely my feelings and opinions regarding the state of our nation.)

As I spoke these words, I was overcome with how far away we are from this perfect dream of a society.  What if day-to-day life in America really was built upon this phrase?  My, how things would change, if we were actually "one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Let's dissect this phrase for a second...

One Nation.  With each and every instance of systemic racism, institutional racism, and media fear-mongering, our nation is being pulled further and further apart.  Also, this election has gone to show that we are far from one nation.  Legally, we might still be one nation, but within that nation there is so much separation and dissension that it's crazy.  In all honesty, I don't think that unity of "one nation" will ever be possible, apart from a mass revival and unity in the body of Christ, which brings us to the next part of this phrase...





Under God.  As I pondered this part of the phrase, honestly, my first instinct was to rant about how we are no longer a nation "under God" and how the religious freedom that this country was founded one has led to a lax laid-back version of "christianity" in which (in the South at least) we go to church once a week (maybe) and are left unchanged.  While I certainly agree that the church in America has become all too complacent and we are in desperate need of revival, I think that, primarily, in my longing to rant about the degradation of our society, I missed one important point altogether.  No matter what America becomes.  No matter how morally deficient, worldly, or evil the American society becomes, we will still be and will always be under God.  Whether society likes it or not, we are given every life and breath from a God so great, and mighty, and vast, and sovereign.  America, along with every other tribe and nation on this Earth is a nation under God.  We are under God's authority and sovereign rule whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.

Indivisible.  See One Nation (above).  So very much division-- in the country, in the church, in the home.  We are so far from indivisible.  Pray for supernatural unity.

With liberty and justice for ALL.  This point hit me the hardest and rang the loudest in my ears.  Let's break this down a little further.

liberty.  "America-- the land of the free."  "It's a free country."  We talk about liberty in so many ways.  Yet, are we truly a "free country"?  We live in a society not only burdened by the shackles of shame and guilt, but also chained by the need for approval, the need for acceptance, and even burdened by the so-called American "dream."  We chase after health, wealth, and prosperity only to be left empty and longing because we were created for so much more.   True freedom lies in Christ alone.  Now, America was founded on freedom.  As the inscription on the Statue of Liberty states, America was and is a refuge for all longing to breathe free.  This also, and most importantly, means religious freedom, so that means, whether Muslim, Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist, Hindu... whatever.  All are welcome.  That's the point in the liberty.  It is not simply meant to be enjoyed by those who's great-great-great-great grandparents entered the country during the time of mass immigration.  America was founded on being a nation where all could come to enjoy the freedoms of our country.    That's the draw of America--freedom.  We have seen the destruction of America through many choices rooted in these freedoms, yet the freedoms remain-- as they should.  Yes, we live in a free country.  We live in a country where I can walk out my door to any person on the street and tell them about the goodness of my Jesus and how He has radically changed my life and is willing and waiting to do the same for them if they just trust Him.  I can tell whoever I want whenever I want about the life-changing grace and mercy and love and goodness of my Savior.  That's liberty.  Let's not take for granted the liberty that we have.  Live free.

justice.  If I'm totally honest, this single word hit me hardest of all.  It brought me to tears and heartache.  We are not a nation with "justice for all."  And, tragically, we have never been a nation

with justice for all.  Yes, we have a justice system; yes, we have government.  These systems were created by a broken people, and out of this brokenness has stemmed a systemic degradation of minority people groups.  African American men have been targeted and brutally murdered by the systems that should be in place to protect them.  People are judged and categorized merely for the color of their sin.  Children around the country go without food or shelter on a daily basis.  Babies are murdered in the womb daily-- in the very place created by God to protect them as they grow.  America is not a nation with justice for all.  These are just a few of the instances in which injustice is seen on a regular basis.  Christians, this should break our hearts.  Mourn with those who mourn.  Empathize with those who are hurting.  This empathy comes from a personal relationship with the broken-- not as a result of these devastating events, but as a result for the love for all people that Christ has called us to.  Commit to pray for, with, and alongside our hurting brothers and sisters as we seek out unity and justice and liberty for all people, not just the people who look, act, and think like us.

God, help us to be a Christian people that happen to be living in America, not a people so tied up in our American pride or patriotism that we forsake our calling as Christians to love any and all.  As a nation, America has turned to our own way.  We have tried to take You out of any and all aspects of our culture.  Let the church hear your call, O Lord, that this is not the time to lie down and sulk over our "persecution" but the time to rise up and stand for our beliefs and to stand on the promises in your word that YOU, O God, are sovereign over all nations and tribes and tongues and people groups.  As we enter into election week and we look towards Election Day, remind us, Lord, that our hope is not found in any elected official or public office.  Our hope is found in You alone.  The only hope for all the world is Jesus.  In HIS precious Name, Amen.

The only hope for all the world is JESUS.  Go tell it on the mountain.  Jesus Christ is Lord.

Put Down Your Stones

She was caught red-handed.  She was (possibly literally) naked in her shame.  She was exposed for all of the town to see.  Her secrets were no longer secrets.  Adulteress.  Fornicator.  Wounded.  Hurt.  Exposed.

She stood (or crouched down) accused.  Condemned.  Sentenced to death by the Pharisees.  They stood at the ready with their stones to take her life as the law commanded.  However, instead of just stoning her, they asked Jesus a question to test him.  His response?  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Stones fell.  One-by-one the men dropped their stones and went away.  The woman stood in front of only Jesus as he looked up at her.

Where are they?  Has no one accused you?
No one, Lord.
Neither do I condemn you; go, and sin no more.

(Storied-- John 7:53 - 8:11 **Note:  There is considerable doubt that this story is part of John's original Gospel since it is absent from all of the oldest manuscripts.  But there is nothing in it unworthy of sound doctrine.  It sees best to view the story as something that probably happened during Jesus' ministry but that was not originally part of what John wrote in his Gospel.  Therefore it should not be considered as part of Scripture and should not be used as the basis for building any pint of doctrine unless confirmed in Scripture. -- ESV Study Bible footnote)

GRACE UPON GRACE.

According to the law, this girl was dead.  She should have been dead.  Maybe, she wanted to be dead.  However, Jesus, as He did repeatedly throughout His ministry, showed grace.  This lady had done nothing to earn his favor.  She had broken the law.  She deserved death, according to the OT Law, and according to what we now know as Romans 6:23.

On the contrary, Jesus gave her the radical gift of grace.  One of my favorite things about this story is the redemption found in Jesus' last statement.

Neither do I condemn you; go, and sin no more.

Romans 8:1; Freedom.  Not freedom to sin (go and sin no more), but freedom to live.  Freedom to walk in grace.  Freedom to walk in Christ's imputed righteousness onto all who trust Jesus as their Savior.

"It's not obedience that brings freedom; it's freedom that brings obedience." - Kasey Van Norman

I have been on both sides of this story.

I was the adulteress (not literally, but you know what I mean).  I deserved death.  I've looked Jesus in the eyes open and vulnerable exposed in my sin.  I've stared down a harsh and unforgiving society.  And, if I'm honest, there were moments where I wanted to face death instead of the consequences of my choices.  However, PRAISE JESUS!  I am the adulteress.  I've looked into the eyes of Jesus as He called off my accusers.  Neither do I condemn you; go, and sin no more.  There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  I have tasted His sweet sufficient grace.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.  I have been redeemed.  I have been forgiven.  I have been set free.

I have also held stones.  Stones of bitterness, resentment, anger, accusal.  How could they have hurt me so?  How could this person have made so many choices that caused me pain?  They deserve every bit of my bitterness, every bit of my attitude, every bit of my anger.  I have heard Jesus' call-- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  However, unlike the Pharisees, I've held tight to my stone.  I will drop it when he/she apologizes.  I will drop it when I feel "called to."  I will drop it when... You see, the problem is... "when" was never going to come in my own strength.  I wasn't willing to let go.  Too much hurt.  Too much pain.  10 years.  That's a long time.  I wrestled with everything in me against forgiveness.  I would "drop the stone" (or say I did), yet pick the stone right back up at the next hurt or pain.  Ready, aiming, longing to cast it to retaliate the pain I felt inside.  You see, I held onto the stone because I had lost sight of my own plight.  I lived like I attained my own freedom.  I lived like I had never been the adulteress in need of grace.  I lived like I earned the radical grace given to me.  If the blood of Christ is sufficient to cover his/her transgressions against me and He can forgive this person, then who am I to cast a stone?  Who am I to hold a grudge?  Who am I to boldly proclaim that they must earn my forgiveness?  As I was reminded of the unmerited grace lavished upon me through Christ, I was overcome with the loosening of my grip on the stone.  With each reminder of His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness, the stone was loosened in my grip.  Until, finally, it fell.  And, as it fell, it shattered.  No longer to be picked back up and aimed.  What once was a gaping wound has been bandaged and is in the process of being healed.  I have forgiven.  I have been set free.

I think we all find ourselves in either of these roles at some point in our lives.  The most important thing to remember is that Christ is at the center of it all.  HIS Grace is sufficient.  It's by HIS grace that we are forgiven and set free.  It's in His strength that we find the strength to forgive.  It's by His power, His love.  It's by HIS wounds that we are healed.  It is by His life, His death, His resurrection that we are set free.

Walk in that freedom.  Let Christ set you free from the bondage of shame and unforgiveness.  He's a chain breaker.

- Kayla

A 10-Year Reflection Letter

Dear 16-year-old me,

It's been a while-- ten years to be exact.

Let me start by saying, you are beautiful-- not because a magazine, a boy, a friend, or even your mama says so.  No, my darling, you are beautiful because you were created by a Maker that knows you intimately.  He fashioned you from the tiniest strand of DNA to look like you do, talk like you do, and to be uniquely you.  Turn off the tv.  Put down the magazines.  That's not who you were made to be.  You were created for so much more than that.  God created you with unique talents and abilities that you can use to make the world a better place.  Don't suppress them for fear of standing out or being labeled as weird or different.  As you try to fit this impossible mold that the world has given you, you are missing out on the beautiful life that God has for you if you'd only trust Him over what the magazines or tv are telling you to become. You were made for more.

You, precious one, are loved beyond all imagination--  not because of anything that you have done to earn this love, but because you have a Good Father.  This is such a hard concept for you to grasp, I know. You have a desire to earn love.  You work so hard to maintain good grades, be the best at anything that you attempt, and to be noticed in hopes of earning love.  You try so hard to quietly please anyone and everyone around you in hopes that they will love you more or stay home more or lay aside painful habits.  You sit silently in the room, all the while screaming to be noticed by anyone, longing for love and affection in the way that you understand it best.  You feel as if no one understands.  But, sweet one, be assured, there is One who always understands.  You are trying so hard to earn His love that you have completely missed the fact that you can't earn His love.  He.  Loves.  You.  Period.  This solid truth has been, since before you were born, is, even though you're 16 and awkward, and always will be, to 26 and long beyond.  You were created by a Father that loves you with every fiber of His being.  He is calling you tenderly to Him.  You've seen Him move in the lives of those all around you.  You've learned the words to say, when to raise your hands, and what to do to appear like you know Him and love Him.  You know the Roman Road by heart and even how to witness (26 y.o. Kayla interjection-- that's a super scary thought.).  You've convinced yourself and those around you that you were saved during "one of those Wednesdays" in youth group.  You had to have been.  Surely, you weren't living a lie.  Yet, internally, you know that you have know idea who this Jesus really is or the life-transforming work that He can do.  Just wait, little one, life has a lot of curveballs coming your way, but, take heart, you will survive, and, at 24, you will finally look up and notice and take hold of the hand of Christ reaching down into the pit to rescue you-- and your life will never be the same.

Truth-- your life has not been filled with roses and daisies.  You've never gone without anything material that you needed-- food, water, shelter, etc.  However, emotionally, you have had a tough road to be 16.  Circumstances have forced you to grow up fast, and I know that there have been many times that you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.  However, my love, let me assure you, the weight of the world was never on your shoulders-- you are not that important.  The true weight of the world was on the shoulders of a man in Jerusalem 2000 years ago as He bore the sins of the world to pay the wages of sin and reconcile us to the Father.  That's the weight of the world.  You can fall.  You can have a bad day.  You can fail a test.  It's not going to cause the world to topple.  Wake up call:  You are not the center of the universe.

When life does fall completely apart, you will realize that the ones you have pushed away are the ones that you needed the most.  Those friends reaching out for reconciliation?  Listen to them.  The friends that want to tear through your walls of self-protection and love you for who you are?  Let them.

Life will not be easy.  You will fall.  You will fail.  However, ten years later, I can tell you with full confidence, that the Lord is faithful.  He will see you through.  He will sustain you even in the darkest times when it takes everything that you have to get out of bed and do life.  He has not lost control even for a second.  God is sovereign, and His will shall be done.  Rest in that.

Love,

From a little older, little wiser...

Kayla

Uncomfortably Christian

Truth is, I'm not proud to be an American.

Don't burn me at the stake just yet-- hear me out.  I am so very grateful to live in a free country and to have access to so many beautiful places, so many opportunities.  I have spent a fair share of my lifetime chasing after the American Dream.  I have chased the dreams of having a family, owning a home, having a brand-new top-of-the-line (in my budget-- or even a bit beyond) car.  I have dreamed of having a beautiful house with a white picket fence and children running around.  And, for so long, I became comfortable.  Comfortable in my marriage, in my home, teaching at my alma mater, planning a future life with children, driving my dream car, financially "secure" with loads of debt.  I was living the "dream".  Yet I was empty, I was un-fulfilled.  I was longing for so much more.  According to the American Dream, I should have been content-- yet I was so empty.

American pride has become a huge topic of debate lately.  From Kaepernick's refusal to stand for the anthem  to Trump's call to "Make America great again," it's all about taking back America or re-instilling an America to take pride in.  Majority of Americans are not simply grateful to live in America but prideful to live in America.  This pride causes us to look down upon other countries, to see ourselves as better than the citizens of those countries simply because of where we were born.  What have you or I done to earn the right to be prideful as Americans?  Sometimes I think we take such pride in being Americans that we let patriotism overshadow our call to make the Gospel of Jesus Christ known among the nations.  We won't check our American privilege for the sake of the Gospel.  We sing our national anthem or God Bless America more boldly and passionately than we do songs of worship on Sundays.  We so quickly forget that Christ has not called us to be Americans that happen to be Christian.  On the contrary, He has called us to be Christians that happen to live in America.  We are not identified by our nationality.  We are identified in Christ alone.  He is our Savior.  One can "live" the American Dream, yet be stone-cold dead spiritually.  True living is found in Jesus Christ.  We don't need American pride.  We need Christian humility.

I, for one, am tired of living comfortably.  I'm tired of chasing after the American dream.  I'm tired of having pity party after pity party that life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to.  As Christians in America, we have only seen a taste of true persecution for our faith.  We live in a country where we are free to worship where and when we want to.  We can boldly proclaim our faith to anyone and everyone that we meet.  We sit in our comfortable pews each Sunday (and/or Wednesday) week in and week out, but do we dare open up our mouths throughout the week and share the beautiful work that Christ has done and is doing in us.  Does our witness leave the church building?  Brothers and sisters around the world are being be-headed for their faith, yet we sit comfortably and can't even so much as strike up a conversation about faith at the lunch table?!

God has been shaking me to the core lately surrounding my comfort.  Truth is, lately, I've been uncomfortable.  God has been revealing things through His Word time and time again that do not line up with the American Dream that I've so often chased.  My flesh wants to be comfortable.  My flesh wants to chase after worldly things rather than to walk in obedience to the life God has for me.  The Spirit has reminded me time and time again that the sacrifices of carnal desires are infinitesimal compared to the eternal weight of glory He has in store (2 Cor. 4:17).  For the cause of Christ, I want to be uncomfortable.  I want to shake off the chains of patriotism and chasing after the American Dream for the sake of the Kingdom.  I want to live my life as a Kingdom Bringer for Christ, not a dream chaser.  May my own dreams and desires blow away life chaff in the wind as I take up my cross and follow Him.

Truth is... Christianity is uncomfortable.  When we walk in obedience, we will not look like the world-- and that's uncomfortable.  Standing up for what you believe in when you're sometimes standing alone is uncomfortable.  Taking up your cross is uncomfortable.  But it's worth it.

He has not called us to live comfortably, friends.  He has called us to follow Him, to make disciples, to make Him known.  Are we living comfortably, or are we taking up our cross and running hard after Him?

To quote one of the most poignant questions posed in the book turned movie Insanity of God:  Is Jesus worth it?